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Things I’ve learned in 2013

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1. Don’t get stuck in a YouTube ‘cut your own fringe’ vortex late at night and then, actually go ahead and ‘cut your own fringe’.

I discovered this fact one lonely Saturday night back in August when my other half was out on the town. After watching YouTube tutorials about ‘grooming your westie’, I took the next logical step and spent the next 3-4hours that evening pausing and playing videos and brushing my hair whilst looking in the mirror, back and forth I went all night trapped in a tunnel of my own madness. There was only one way to escape the madness and that was to cut the fringe. ‘Cut it, cut it, cut it… it’s only hair… it’ll grow back again’ the voices said and then, with one snip of my kitchen scissors, I had created the fringe that even my hairdresser couldn’t save and that has taken the rest of 2013 to grow out and, which still hasn’t actually grown out to my satisfaction. This is a lesson that’ll roll into 2014 I think.

2.Don’t get carried away when cleaning your ears… AGAIN.

Yes, I did the thing that I’ve been doing probably every year for say the last 20 years (but who’s counting), I blocked my ears with my own wax therefore giving  need to book a doctor’s appointment for ear syringing – the medical equivalent of getting a dentist to brush your teeth. How did I do it? I hear you ask. Well, I put something in my ears smaller than my elbow i.e. a cotton bud, and, not content with cleaning my ears once with the cotton buds, I did it over and over again. Deeper and deeper into the ear drum I went, flicking the buds, twisting the buds (which I have a particular penchant for doing because I’m weird like that and enjoy the cold and wet tickle created by the said water-soaked cotton bud) until I couldn‘t hear at all in my left ear and could only partially hear in the right one.

3. A back operation, although pretty scary, isn’t as scary as you thought it would be and may change your life.

This year I had an emergency back operation. Now, I’ve had back problems and sciatica for maybe 7 years now…maybe longer. It started off with muscle pain and then turned to nerve pain over the years until eventually, my pelvis fluctuated between feeling as though it were on fire, to feeling like it may fall out. I’d been offered back operations before but never went through with them because (a) there’s a low success rate, (b) there often are side effects such as spine damage or not waking up (c) I don’t like hospitals (d) I’d  never had an operation before and was, let’s just say, reasonably frightened and, (e) I basically couldn’t be arsed. So, one morning, after not being able to get up, get dressed, walk, move, basically exist like any sane person in the world, I was taken to hospital and forced to have an emergency back operation. After the full day of recovery after the operation, I got out of bed and walked up the hospital aisle with no nerve pain. It was a miracle as far as I was concerned and one that I could have experienced many years ago if I had gone for it.

4. I am 38 and not 39.

Yes, I turned 38 this year and not 39, as I had thought I was going to for the last two years. Basically, I’m useless with dates. With anniversaries and birthdays, I’m like a man. Actually, I’m worse than a man and I don’t have a clue what year it is quite often. I just don’t understand how people know or remember the year of certain events. I don’t have a clue what year I was married and every year, on our anniversary, I need my other half to remind me of the year and how long we’re married. Don’t worry, I can actually add up, it’s just the dates that get me. For me, after I turned30 I stopped counting my age for some reason and couldn’t have told you what age I was on any year for the last 8 years without doing the sums in my head and then confirming with my husband. In fact, I told a group of friends at a wedding once that I was 34 when in fact I was 36!! Not because I don’t want to get old but simply because to me, like R.Kelly, ‘age ain’t nothing but a number’ (but not in a weird creepy way).

Have a happy Christmas and New Year x x x

P.S. At the time of going to press, Cora still hadn’t booked the ear syringe appointment.


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